Fuck the Diets
Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash
We were sitting by the fireplace in our seaside house. The sound of the fireplace always makes me calm. The crackling and burning — there is something magical about it. Our house is located right next to the dunes and you can always hear waves crashing on the shore. It felt like winter today. But still no signs of snow. It is beautiful out here.
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While we were sitting by the fire, enjoying our romance, I suddenly started to cry. Out of nowhere. Why? Because my boyfriend was snacking on some potato chips and I wasn’t. Why? Because, as usual, I’m trying to lose some weight. Suddenly I was so sick of it. I simply wanted to sit there with him, enjoy the snacks and be at peace with it.
I dream of a moment when I could put mute on the thoughts that are drilling into my head. “Don’ t”, “can’t”, “not allowed”, “you have to lose weight”. I am so sick of it for once and for all. I’ve been trying to lose weight since 2013. I’ve been on so many diets, restrictions, always pushing myself, over-exerting my body and mind. I’ve lost weight, then gained it back, lost it again and gained back for a couple of more times. Enough of it. I have to end this nonsense. It will never be enough.
I am 170 cm tall, at the moment I weigh around 69 kg. Not sure, because I got rid of my scale. One day around March this year I was feeling great, I was satisfied with my progress. I was happy about myself. And I made a mistake — I stepped on the scale. Saw the number and at that moment all my good thoughts evaporated. At that exact moment I opened Facebook and posted an ad to get rid of the scale. Promised myself that I will never get upset about the number on the scale anymore. At least I have kept this promise to myself.
There was a moment in 2016, when I reached my dream weight, that was 60 kilograms. It was just a number in my mind that I must reach. I was exhausted, ate no more than 1500 calories per day and did up to one hour of cardio almost every day. And even then I remember that I looked in the mirror and thought, that I am fat. Looking at photos from 2016, I can clearly see that I was almost underweight. I got no muscles and I looked tired and unhappy. I looked weak. Not to mention that I lost my period during that time for around four months.
Even though I’ve lost around 9 kg this year and I am proud of myself that I did that in a healthy way, I still haven’t found that golden middle way. I still blame myself If I eat too much, even if it is healthy food. I always feel like I am eating too much, even though I’m pretty sure that I’m not. My mind most of the time is around food. I am tired of it. I want to live like a normal person. I want to enjoy food and not to think that I have to do a workout after. And yes, I know that I recently wrote an article about how I lost weight, mentioning that exact guilt. I shouldn’t have as I can’t stick to it myself.
I don’t want to be old and look back at my best years of life and realize I spent them with non stop regret. I want to be free from these sorts of thoughts. I want to remember the days I spent with my loved ones. The traveling. My dog. The nature. The crackling of the fireplace and eating potato chips with my boyfriend. Anything else, except for the fucking food regrets.
So fuck the diets. Fuck them. I am not doing this to myself anymore.
